I’m pretty sure it’s officially spring, I wake up in the morning because sun is coming through my blinds and I get kind of excited until I realize there’s pretty much a hurricane going on outside so it’s still fucking cold. My personal issues with the wind aside, a new season means a shift in what everyone’s wearing. To be honest, I hate spring. It’s a confusing time. Is it cold? Is it hot? Is it gonna rain? So many questions, and I think this confusion can be reflected in spring trends. Since pretty much all I do is bitch at you guys (while occasionally trying to be informative) I thought I might as well continue with that and tell y’all what I don’t want to see in fashion this spring.
“Florals? For spring? Groundbreaking.” Should I be embarrassed that I just quoted The Devil Wears Prada? Well, I’m not. Seriously, quit it with the fucking flower prints. I get it; it’s spring, which means that flowers and plants are beginning to flourish once more. That’s truly beautiful, but I’m pretty sure everyone’s aware of the seasonal changes spring brings and you don’t need to advertise it every day in your outfit. If you truly love florals and are hurt by my bashing of the print, it’s okay. I suggest mixing prints if you need to include flowers in your spring outfits, at least this way you’re trying to revive a dull trend. Bonus points if you’re still trying to rock a flower crown to show how in touch with nature you can be. Take that shit off, it looked tired at Coachella, and we’re not living in a hot valley in California. And don’t replace it with a headdress either. I’m watching you.
(4) SPORTY SANDALS
I’ll acknowledge that I could be biased when it comes to footwear, because I hate feet. They’re ugly and upset me to look at for prolonged periods of time. Once spring hits, it’s like everyone forgets that it can still be pretty damn cold, so they get their open-toed shoes out to celebrate the meager amount of sun we (might) get. I concede that everyone has the right to wear what they want, even if it exposes their toes to my poor retinas, but can we at least love ourselves enough to pick some nice sandals? Not something that screams “I don’t hike but I’d like for you to think I do.” I feel like ugly is the new hot when it comes to sandals, but hey – at least your dad will like the way your sandals look. He might even ask to borrow them. At least we’re a year past everyone clomping around in white Windsor Smiths that stayed clean for approximately one wear.
These Marni metallic leather sandals originally retailed for almost $700USD.
(3) HIGH-WAISTED DENIM
I find that some people jump the gun and skip straight from winter fashion to summer fashion (and it’s a stretch to call these shorts ‘fashion’). You’re not at the beach or some super hot music festival, so please put your ass cheeks away under some more appropriate shorts. Unless you’re dressing up like Jessica Simpson à la ‘Dukes of Hazzard’, then I might be able to make an exception. Bonus points if you’re still rocking high waisted shorts with studs on them. I’m having horrendous flashbacks to Xmas In The Park 2009.
UNIF Vada Shorts as seen at Nasty Gal
(2) TEA-LENGTH SKIRTS
This was tipped as a Spring 2014 trend, one of the “most wearable” trends off the runway. “Tea-length” sits between a midi skirt and a maxi skirt, and it’s horrendous. I think a lot of people abused the midi skirt and wound up looking frumpy, and the tea-length skirt further increases your chances of looking like an old woman or a The Sound of Music character. Even the name of the length itself sounds horrible – tea length. I’m picturing a room of old women sitting around playing bridge in their dowdy old skirts. If you wanna rock the tea-length skirt, I’d recommend going with a cropped top to compensate for the length and maybe a bare arm or shoulder. And please think carefully about the shoes you’re pairing with the awkward length. I’ll give tea-length skirts this – anything is better than those high-low mullet skirts.
L to R: Oscar De La Renta, Proenza Schouler, Jean Paul Gaultier
Much like florals, I just question how we’re not tired of this shit yet. Yes, I get it, the world is becoming lighter now that it’s a different season. Wearing all pastels doesn’t help me understand this any faster. This season, if you wanna be on-trend colour-wise, you want all-white, colour blocking of contrasting colours or blue and white. Notice that pastels aren't included in that list. Thank you. If you need to wear pastel colours, you can get away with pale pastels, but that’s all you’re getting this season.
Well, as Chief Keef once said – that’s that shit I don’t like. If you’re curious about some spring trends I am into this season, I’ll rattle off a short list for y’all to end this piece on a positive note. Culottes/billowing pants, collarless jackets, boxy cropped jackets, shift blouses, head-to-toe white and mesh/sheer. Feel free to disagree with my choices in the comments below, I’d love to hear what you guys love and hate about spring fashion.